Making Plans

     Now that I know surgery is imminent, I'm trying to make plans. It's all starting to feel more real. Tera announced my cancer at church Sunday, so that was hard. I didn't actually hear her sermon, as I was with the kids in the garden for the kids program. I am kind of glad I didn't hear it, because it's weird to hear someone talking about you that way.
     After church, people kept offering me hugs. It was super sweet, and I was trying not to start crying. We joined the Unitarian Universalist church in Pasadena last fall. I don't know that many people that well, but everyone is so incredibly kind.
     I know that I will have surgery next month. I know that I will take four weeks off from work. I don't know if I have to have chemo, but I'm pretty sure I will. I don't know if I can handle working through chemo, but I'm going to try.
     People keep dying of cancer. It's crazy. Natalie Cole. Lemmy Kilmister. David Bowie. Alan Rickman. The guy from Grizzly Adams. They are all much older than I am, and none of them had breast cancer. But it still sucks.
     I do know who my sub will be. She's a retired Immaculate Heart Middle School teacher. Candy is super sweet and will be a great nurturing presence while I'm out. So I know my girls will be in good hands. I will tell them when I have a surgery date. It's important to me that I tell them myself.
     I've been reading and researching about breast cancer and surgery and reconstruction. I should probably stop doing so much of that, but it makes me feel a bit more in control having this information. I'm sleeping well most nights. So it's not in my head too much, at least not at bedtime.
     I'll update once I meet the plastic surgeon. I googled her -- she's young.
     Emiko has been asking lots of questions. I've been trying to be open and honest with her. She's a smart girl -- I owe her that. She made a story for me:

Dear Mommy,

I am so sad that you have cancer.

I hope you will feel better and get healthy again.

I will miss you when you have surgery and I hope you be okay.

This is a story for you.

                 THE MOMMY WHO HAD CANCER

Once upon a time there was a mommy who had cancer. She got very sick and the doctors found out. They helped the mom and saved her life. They did a good job and the mom lived happily ever after.

I love you with all my heart,mommy! I will miss you so much!

Love,

emiko