Waiting is Making Me Crazy

     Today I went for my pre-op appointment with Dr. Leung. I was hoping to leave that appointment with a surgery date, but it was not to be. Dr. Leung explained that the plastic surgeon, Dr. Hamid, was not the plastic surgeon I was supposed to see. That doctor cancelled my appointment, and when Kaiser rescheduled, the person who did the rescheduling didn't realize that I had to have a surgeon who could come to the main LA hospital.
     Dr. Leung had planned on performing my surgery February 4, but had to release that date when she realized that I didn't have a plastic surgeon. So I took a half day on Monday for no reason. Dr. Leung's nurse Myrtle, who is very sweet, was able to get me an appointment with a plastic surgeon February 17. Which is too fucking long to wait! Dr. Leung emailed a different plastic surgeon and was going to follow up with a phone call to that surgeon tomorrow, to try to get me in Feb 11.
     I got so upset in the examination room. My friend Mary Rose was with me, and she was very kind while I cried a little. It's so frustrating that I am still waiting. I still have fucking breast cancer. It's in my body, wreaking havoc. It would be nice if someone would fucking remove it.
     I do like Dr. Leung a lot, and I think she is trying to get it straightened out. I am trying not to panic. It's increasingly difficult to focus on work, having this hanging over my head. I've accepted that I have breast cancer. I've accepted that this is going to be a super shitty year that I have to get through in order to stop having cancer. But I need to get it over with.
     I did sign the pre-op consent, and was sent home with pre-op directions that don't really mean anything at the moment.
     Mary Rose drove me back to school to get my car. She's so wonderful and I'm glad she was with me at the appointment. Having her and Carolyn taking care of me is such a relief.
     I was going to go to the cancer support group orientation meeting after this appointment, but I was not up to it. I drove home and briefly told Todd what happened. Then I went to our room and bawled for a little bit. I haven't really cried that much since being diagnosed. I was overdue, I'm sure.
     Tomorrow I will call Myrtle to remind her to talk to plastic surgery. I guess I will keep calling her until I have an appointment. I do have some lab work that Dr. Leung wants me to complete, so I will get that done next week. And I have to meet with Anesthesiology.
     I do have two stacks of essays to grade -- I guess this means I have to grade them, as I have no excuse not to! Dammit!